I was called Sonam
I was called Sonam. Sonam, a Tibetan word meaning good luck. Yet it doesn’t mean the usual good luck. Like the good luck you need to win that bet you placed on the cricket match or make some money on that stock you bought. Oh, stocks. I’ll have a lot to talk to you about them. It’s partly because of them I am here now. Anyways what was I telling you. Yes, Sonam doesn’t actually mean that kind of good luck; or rather may I say it’s a more fulfilling good luck. Some blessing you have for a long, happy and a prosperous life. Well, am not sure if these three words or thoughts can even stand the sight of each of other these days. Somehow if you have one you don’t quite seem to have the other two. Anyways I am not here to comment on the state of things there, besides they hardly bother me now that I now stand delivered on the other side.
I don’t think recounting my history will interest anyone of you. After all whatever you need to know of me, the evidence is already there. All the papers telling you who I was, where I came from, what my religion was, what my tribe was, what schools and colleges I had attended and how I had fared in them, where I had worked are all there. They must be still lying in that file I had locked in the safe of my bedroom cupboard. I just hope someone has found them and handed them over to my parents. But how does it matter anyways even if someone had stolen them and burnt them to light their bidhi. I just hope someone doesn’t misuse them, I would be responsible for it then. I hope someone has burnt them. God bless you if you have done so. If you haven’t please do so. God will bless you.
Are you sneering at the thought of God blessing you, you who never seriously thought about him? Well, I empathize with you if you are. I was no different, much like you. The fact was I never thought much on that subject. It wasn’t much use to think on that too much, I used to think. There would be no answers at the end of the day just a fatique. It was all upto you I thought. All upto to you to believe, with a yes or a no, but definitely not to question. Sometimes I used to wonder what it would be like to die, what would that that after death world be like. If I could just make a visit there and come back I would live my life so much without confusion. But was it indeed so straightforward? What if I knew the consequences and still lived otherwise. You may say that would be irrational. But are we ever happy being rational? Here I go again, this empty prattle again. It’s a habit I bring from there. Must give it up. It’s so exhausting especially when you don’t eat the way you used to eat there. Anyways what was I talking about? Yes, of you sneering at me at the thought of God blessing you. Well for the moment I am as confused as you are. I too haven’t seen anything close to the resemblance of a God. But I hope I will soon. This loneliness here is making me so miserable. The open arms of someone so expansive like him will be such a relief. But I have hope I will and that’s the only difference between the two of us.
I am sure you must be very curious to know what it feels to be here, you on the other side. Well to be frank it’s not much different from being there. Only here there are no distractions and you are twenty four by seven in the landscape of your mind. So if you feel lonely here you can’t call up your friend like you are so used to do back there. Here you have to be with that feeling. You have no choice but to be patient with it. You begin by being patient with it. Just like a nurse you show your care. It’s a stubborn patient though. Quite adept at devising methods to let you know how desperate it is to get away. So what do you do? Back there you had escapades. You could surround yourself with people if you were lonely, pamper yourself someones attention if you feel unwanted, but here you have no choice but to be with it. So the more you want to get away the more you suffer not being able to do so. You see its not so easy being here. Even all this while I am writing this I am suffering a longing of not being where you are. But then one learns to live like that. Perhaps my deliverance is just about the corner. Perhaps when you my friends there have convicted my murderer I will. Well here I go again. Scripting my own suffering with these thoughts of revenge. Not different from the suffering of an impotent man thinking of a lusty love.
I was called Sonam. Sonam, a Tibetan word meaning good luck. Yet it doesn’t mean the usual good luck. Like the good luck you need to win that bet you placed on the cricket match or make some money on that stock you bought. Oh, stocks. I’ll have a lot to talk to you about them. It’s partly because of them I am here now. Anyways what was I telling you. Yes, Sonam doesn’t actually mean that kind of good luck; or rather may I say it’s a more fulfilling good luck. Some blessing you have for a long, happy and a prosperous life. Well, am not sure if these three words or thoughts can even stand the sight of each of other these days. Somehow if you have one you don’t quite seem to have the other two. Anyways I am not here to comment on the state of things there, besides they hardly bother me now that I now stand delivered on the other side.
I don’t think recounting my history will interest anyone of you. After all whatever you need to know of me, the evidence is already there. All the papers telling you who I was, where I came from, what my religion was, what my tribe was, what schools and colleges I had attended and how I had fared in them, where I had worked are all there. They must be still lying in that file I had locked in the safe of my bedroom cupboard. I just hope someone has found them and handed them over to my parents. But how does it matter anyways even if someone had stolen them and burnt them to light their bidhi. I just hope someone doesn’t misuse them, I would be responsible for it then. I hope someone has burnt them. God bless you if you have done so. If you haven’t please do so. God will bless you.
Are you sneering at the thought of God blessing you, you who never seriously thought about him? Well, I empathize with you if you are. I was no different, much like you. The fact was I never thought much on that subject. It wasn’t much use to think on that too much, I used to think. There would be no answers at the end of the day just a fatique. It was all upto you I thought. All upto to you to believe, with a yes or a no, but definitely not to question. Sometimes I used to wonder what it would be like to die, what would that that after death world be like. If I could just make a visit there and come back I would live my life so much without confusion. But was it indeed so straightforward? What if I knew the consequences and still lived otherwise. You may say that would be irrational. But are we ever happy being rational? Here I go again, this empty prattle again. It’s a habit I bring from there. Must give it up. It’s so exhausting especially when you don’t eat the way you used to eat there. Anyways what was I talking about? Yes, of you sneering at me at the thought of God blessing you. Well for the moment I am as confused as you are. I too haven’t seen anything close to the resemblance of a God. But I hope I will soon. This loneliness here is making me so miserable. The open arms of someone so expansive like him will be such a relief. But I have hope I will and that’s the only difference between the two of us.
I am sure you must be very curious to know what it feels to be here, you on the other side. Well to be frank it’s not much different from being there. Only here there are no distractions and you are twenty four by seven in the landscape of your mind. So if you feel lonely here you can’t call up your friend like you are so used to do back there. Here you have to be with that feeling. You have no choice but to be patient with it. You begin by being patient with it. Just like a nurse you show your care. It’s a stubborn patient though. Quite adept at devising methods to let you know how desperate it is to get away. So what do you do? Back there you had escapades. You could surround yourself with people if you were lonely, pamper yourself someones attention if you feel unwanted, but here you have no choice but to be with it. So the more you want to get away the more you suffer not being able to do so. You see its not so easy being here. Even all this while I am writing this I am suffering a longing of not being where you are. But then one learns to live like that. Perhaps my deliverance is just about the corner. Perhaps when you my friends there have convicted my murderer I will. Well here I go again. Scripting my own suffering with these thoughts of revenge. Not different from the suffering of an impotent man thinking of a lusty love.
No comments:
Post a Comment